


A Not So Cunning Plan

by triste



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-21
Updated: 2012-11-21
Packaged: 2017-11-19 05:06:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/569430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/triste/pseuds/triste
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur has a plan. Naturally, it backfires on him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Not So Cunning Plan

Title: A Not So Cunning Plan  
Author: Triste  
Fandom: Merlin  
Pairings: Arthur/Merlin, Morgana/Gwen  
Rating: PG-13  
Status: Complete  
Disclaimer: Not mine

~~

Arthur liked to complain about a lot of things, his two favourite topics above all others being Merlin and his incompetence as a manservant (which, depending on how bad Arthur's mood was at the time, could also be about Merlin's incompetence as a human being) and Morgana. Fortunately for Merlin, Arthur's first complaint of the day was about Morgana rather than him.

"She's been a complete and utter cow to me lately," said Arthur as Merlin helped him into his jacket. "More so than usual, that is. It's like she's going out of her way to be nasty."

"I'm sure she has her reasons," said Merlin.

"And what would they be?" asked Arthur.

Merlin bit back his instinctive response, which was that maybe Arthur had done something to deserve Morgana's wrath. The two of them were always fighting, after all, and trying to keep track of who started their many arguments was like Merlin trying to keep count of the number of times he'd been put in the stocks. In other words, it happened far too often for him to bother tallying. It was one of those things, like how the weather was always cold during the winter and warm during the summer. Arthur and Morgana not bickering almost constantly would be like the grass not being green and the sky not being blue, or to put it bluntly, just plain wrong.

Then again, Arthur was technically Merlin's master. Right or wrong, it was Merlin's duty to take his side, even if Morgana was scarier by far.

"Maybe the king has been giving her a hard time?" Merlin said at last. "You're not the only one under pressure, you know."

That wouldn't have been so unbelievable. It was like a chain reaction, really. Uther would take things out on Morgana, who would take things out on Arthur, who would take things out on Merlin who, since he was at the very bottom of the pile, couldn't take out anything on anyone. Not that it stopped him from sulking at the injustice, but he did wish these royals would simply talk to each other sometimes instead of being angry and disappointed and uncommunicative.

"And what pressure would Morgana be under?" said Arthur.

"Well, when you consider she'll eventually be married off to someone she might not even like that much and sent far away from the one place she calls home, then I think she might be under quite a bit of pressure, really," said Merlin.

"Morgana isn't the only one. It'll be the same for me, someday. The only difference is that I'll be ruling over Camelot and she won't. I'm the one with all the expectations to live up to. In light of that, Morgana has it easy." Arthur sighed deeply. "Anyway, none of this solves my current problem, which is why Morgana is in such a vile temper these days. I have to do *something* about it, otherwise she'll drive me totally insane."

"You could ask her what's wrong?" Merlin suggested. "You never know, she might actually tell you."

Arthur scowled in dismissal. "I don't care if anything's wrong, I want her to stop. This would all be so much easier if she were a man. She could just stab something to make herself feel better."

"I thought Morgana liked stabbing things?"

"She does, but she's not allowed to. She's also not allowed to get drunk, which is what I would do if something were bothering me. She's also not allowed to have sex, at least not with a man. Now that I think about it, she's not really allowed to do much of anything."

"No wonder she gets frustrated," said Merlin. "Even I have more freedom than that, and I'm only a servant."

"It's still no excuse for her to bite my head off at every opportunity," argued Arthur. "See, this is what makes women different. They have feelings, for starters, and they're always whining about them being hurt. Men don't have feelings, they have impulses that they act on, like wanting to kill something or drink something or shag something."

"I have feelings," Merlin said mildly. "You're forever trampling over them. It's amazing I've managed to put up with you for so long."

Arthur smirked. "Well, you are an exception to just about everything. You're also more of a girl than Morgana. At least she can handle a sword."

"That's not fair," Merlin countered. "I do have other talents."

"Yes, a talent for humiliating yourself spectacularly both in private and in public. Do you even know the meaning of shame?"

"I thought you liked me when I'm shameless. You said that it turns you on."

Arthur's smirk became a leer. He turned it on Merlin suggestively, who tried not to shiver at the way he was being stared at, but then Arthur's eyes widened and his leer changed into a triumphant grin.

"That's it!" he exclaimed. "I've found a way of making Morgana more likeable! I'm surprised the idea didn't occur to me sooner. All we have to do is get Morgana laid. It's so amazingly simple! It can't be a man, for obvious reasons, but a woman should be fine. Morgana likes women. She's always banging on about Guinevere. Something about warm hands and calluses, if I recall correctly. That's good. Women love calluses. It helps stimulate certain -"

"Okay, I get the impression," Merlin interrupted, red faced. "You don't have to go into detail. And are you sure about this? Gwen and Morgana already have a close relationship. You shouldn't do anything to spoil it."

"That'll make things easier," Arthur said confidently. "All we have to do is bring them closer still, until they have sex." Then he paused. "Why don't you have calluses, by the way? I've always wondered about that. You're a peasant from a farming village, you should be covered in them, yet your hands are as smooth and unworked as Morgana's. Your skin is as pale as hers, too. Shouldn't you be browner from being out in the fields all day, every day?"

"Like you said before, I'm an exception," Merlin responded innocently. "Besides, I can't take the sun. It makes me burn. My skin goes all red and raw, and then it blisters and peels. It's very horrible and disgusting. The rest of the villagers used to treat me like a leper whenever it happened, not that I can blame them. I wouldn't have been very appealing, with bits of skin hanging off from overexposure to that big yellow thing in the sky."

As for his lack of calluses, well, he wasn't about to tell Arthur about his tendency to cheat by doing chores with magic. Not that he did it anymore, of course, after Gaius had drilled into him the importance of taking pride in a job done properly. Living in a place where the practise of any magic was banned also might have had something to do with it. When Merlin died, he wanted it to be as peaceful and as painless as possible. He most definitely did not want to be burnt at the stake for being caught levitating Arthur's bed so he could sweep the dust out from underneath it.

"Right," said Arthur, his expression one of disdain. "Back to our original subject. You're terrible at planning out any kind of strategy, so leave that part to me."

Merlin blinked. "Strategy?"

"Yes, Merlin, strategy. We can't just lock them in Morgana's chambers and leave them to it." Arthur rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "No, this particular operation requires a fine blend of stealth and cunning. It'll be like going on the hunt."

"Only instead of killing things, you'll be making them have sex with each other," Merlin said helpfully. "Which, in my opinion, is still a bad idea, because it could all go horribly wrong and make Morgana want to castrate us both." The mental image alone was enough to turn him white, but then something else occurred to him that turned him paler still. "Wait, you're not suggesting we *watch* them do it, are you? Because that would be extremely wrong and immoral, not to mention embarrassing, what with Gwen being my best mate and everything. And Morgana is practically your sister, so that would be like watching a family member having sex, which would be even worse than watching your best friend have sex."

"God, do you ever shut up?" said Arthur, exasperated. "I hope Guinevere doesn't rabbit on in bed as much as you do. Or is it some sort of new servant trend? They never used to be this rambling. But fine, we won't watch them. We'll know the results for ourselves when Morgana starts being nicer. Sex makes everyone better tempered, even my father, and he's been shagging Gaius since before I was born."

Merlin clutched at his head, the images threatening to tear apart his brain and turn him into a gibbering wreck. Arthur, unusually perceptive for once, noticed his anguish.

"I know it's hard, but don't be such a *girl*. You weren't the one who walked in on them going at it when you were five years old, so stop whimpering. Walking in on Morgana having sex with Guinevere would be a joy in comparison. They don't have wrinkles. Or birthmarks. Did you know Gaius has one? It's right next to his -"

"I don't want to hear it!" said Merlin, his voice strangled. Arthur huffed.

"Fine. But you're going to help me out, whether it goes against your morals or not. You can start by being of some assistance with my cunning plan."

~~

Two days later, Morgana was suitably suspicious.

"Arthur's plotting something," she said as Gwen laced her into the outfit she'd chosen that morning (the green velvet dress; the one that Gwen always said complimented the tone of her skin.)

"You look lovely, my lady," Gwen replied once she'd finished, scanning Morgana with a critical eye to make sure nothing was out of place before guiding her over to the dresser and motioning her to sit down so she could make a start on her hair. "And I wouldn't really know about Arthur. Hasn't he been avoiding you?"

"That's what makes me wary," Morgana said ominously. "I've seen him with Merlin, spying from dark corners. The two of them are conspiring against me."

"Really?" said Gwen, running the brush through Morgana's hair and smoothing it out into sections to be braided. "I wonder. Arthur is one thing, but Merlin would never upset you."

"He would if Arthur told him to."

"Yes, well, I'm sure they don't mean any harm. You know how boys are. They're probably playing some silly game."

"One that involves stalking me and whispering behind my back?" Morgana frowned at the mirror. "Just when I thought Arthur had grown up a little..." She studied her reflection contemplatively before saying, "Has Merlin been acting strangely around you? Stranger than he normally is, I mean."

"Now that you mention it, he has been a bit odd," Gwen told her. "He keeps asking me questions. He's really awkward about it, too. It's almost as if..."

"As if Arthur had set him up to it? I can imagine. What did he ask?"

Gwen blushed. "Nothing too personal. Well, actually, it *was* kind of personal. Like if I've ever kissed another girl before or other things besides."

Now Morgana was glaring. "What on earth is wrong with Arthur? Next time Merlin starts asking questions, don't answer him. Better yet, bring him to me instead." Morgana's eyes took on a calculating glint. "Yes, you can fetch him here. I'll get him to talk."

"My lady," Gwen tried to say, but Morgana interrupted.

"Fetch him," she said, her tone steely and determined and, because she always made sure to make Gwen know how much she was appreciated, she added, "please. I want to get to the bottom of this. I'll feel better afterwards, I promise. I don't want to make you worry."

"It's my job," Gwen said fondly. "It’s also because I want to worry about you, of course. Not that I want anything to happen that would make you worry, I mean, it's just that..."

"You care," Morgana said simply. Gwen nodded shyly. "I know. And thank you. I care about you, too. I don't know what I'd do without you."

She reached up to give Gwen's hand a little squeeze.

"I understand," said Gwen, squeezing Morgana's hand back before letting it go. "I'll bring Merlin. Anything to put your mind at ease. And even if they are planning something, I doubt it's malicious. Like I said, they're just silly boys."

Silliness or not, Morgana was going to find out what they were scheming, and the quickest way to do that would be to interrogate the one most likely to bend under pressure. She knew Merlin was an awful liar. She also knew he was somewhat fearful of her, if respectful. Getting to confess his and Arthur's true objectives wouldn't be that difficult, and Morgana could be extremely persuasive when she wanted to be.

Sure enough, Merlin approached her nervously when he arrived, but Morgana smiled sweetly at him and invited him to sit next to her on the bed. Merlin did do, hesitant, and making sure to sit as far away from Morgana as possible without falling off the mattress and onto the floor.

That wouldn't do, Morgana decided, and she edged closer to him, noting the way his body tensed up in response.

"You called for me, my lady?" he said.

"I did," Morgana replied. "I hear you've been asking my maid inappropriate questions."

"I wouldn't call them inappropriate," Merlin said evasively. "Not as such. I was only... you know..."

"Curious?" Morgana supplied innocently. Merlin gave a frantic nod.

"Yes, curious. That's it. Nothing more. I definitely wasn't doing it because I'd been ordered to. Not at all. Absolutely. Please believe me."

Morgana clucked her tongue sympathetically and put a hand on his knee. Merlin was almost completely rigid by this stage, his gaze fixed firmly on his feet rather than watching Morgana.

"You poor thing," Morgana crooned, stroking his knee and leaning in so she could speak directly into his ear. "This is Arthur's idea, isn't it? What is he planning? It's okay. You can tell me. I know it's his fault. It's always his fault."

"Not always," Merlin said weakly, his face a rather interesting shade of scarlet. "Sometimes it's mine."

"But not this time," Morgana told him. "I know you're a good boy really. Arthur is a bad influence on you."

"Arthur is my master," Merlin insisted, sounding more and more panicked by the second. "I will never betray him."

"I'm not asking you to," Morgana said soothingly, stroking Merlin's cheek. "All I want to know is why he's taking a sudden interest in Gwen's private life. I'm her mistress. It's my right."

Just a little more and Merlin would fold, Morgana thought, and she stepped her interrogation technique up a notch by blowing gently into his ear. Merlin scrunched his eyes shut and shivered violently. Morgana congratulated herself for having such amazing powers of deduction (honestly, anyone with ears like Merlin's was bound to be sensitive in that particular area), although she did feel slightly guilty for toying with him in such a manner.

"Tell me," she whispered, taking his chin and turning him to meet her gaze. "I won't be angry. All you have to do is give me the truth. Is that really so difficult?"

"I suppose," Merlin conceded, apparently on the verge of hyperventilating as Morgana ran her hand along his inner thigh.

"Tell me," Morgana coaxed. "I'll reward you if you do."

"You can't buy my loyalty that easily," Merlin said stoutly, but the last of his courage gave out when Morgana's hand inched upward and he finally blurted, "You're right, it was Arthur's idea. He made me do it."

"I assumed as much," said Morgana, giving Merlin's thigh a little pat before pulling away and allowing him space to breathe. "Go on."

"He said," Merlin continued, "that you were being a cow - his words, not mine - and that the only way to make you nicer was to get you to have sex with Gwen. Because Arthur thinks sex makes everything better. That's all, I swear."

Morgana wasn't entirely convinced, but she gave Merlin his reward anyway by kissing him on the cheek. "There. That wasn't so bad now, was it?"

Merlin looked so utterly dejected by his defeat that Morgana almost felt sorry for him, at least until she reminded herself who he was in league with and that he was just as guilty as Arthur.

"Well?" Morgana prompted. "How did Arthur propose to get Gwen and I together?"

"With a potion," Merlin said miserably. "That was actually my suggestion. I know Gaius makes you sleeping draughts for your nightmares, but there's another kind that exists. I looked it up in his books. It's called an aphrodisiac. It's said to..." Merlin trailed off, blushing deeper, but bravely finished his sentence by adding, "to cause sexual desire in people."

"I see." Morgana narrowed her eyes. "And the plan was to somehow get the two of us to drink it?"

Merlin hung his head. "Yes."

Morgana didn't respond right away. She was too busy mulling possibilities of punishment inside her head, but then another idea came to her. Morgana was a firm believer in the saying "don't get mad, get even". She would turn the tables to take her revenge, and it would be sweet. Very sweet.

"All right," she said, "you'll be working under my orders from now. And not a word of this to Arthur. You have to keep it secret."

"Of course," Merlin said fervently. Then he frowned. "Um... what exactly *is* the secret?"

"The fact that I know about your little plot. And the fact that Gwen and I won't be taking the aphrodisiac. You and Arthur will."

Merlin gaped. "We'll be *what*?"

"You heard me," Morgana said wickedly. "Drug his wine this evening, when you take his dinner to him. Naturally, you'll also be drinking some. How long do the effects last?"

"The books say it can take anywhere between two and twelve hours to leave the system, depending on how strong you make the potion."

"Excellent. Arthur is supposed to be out on patrol bright and early tomorrow morning with his father. He shouldn't be much help if he's been up all night ravaging his manservant. I'd love to see his face afterwards. Better yet, I'd love to see Uther's. I wonder how long he'll have you in the stocks this time when he finds out what you've done. I wonder if you'll even be able to walk there by yourself once Arthur's done with you and the effects of the drug have worn off. I imagine you're going to be incredibly sore."

Merlin paled. "Please don't do this. It's terribly cruel. Arthur only came up with his idea in the first place because he cares about you. And because he thought it would be hilarious, obviously."

Morgana ignored him. "How strong did you make the aphrodisiac?"

Merlin coughed. "About as strong as it can be without actually killing someone."

"Good. You and Arthur will both take it while Gwen and I will be listening outside his chambers and laughing at you both. And don't try wriggling out of this. It's no more than you deserve."

~~

As Morgana had commanded, Merlin drugged Arthur's wine later that evening. He'd already downed his share under Morgana's strict instructions, and now it was Arthur's turn. Arthur didn't suspect a thing as Merlin set his meal out in front of him on the table. Lucky him, Merlin thought sourly to himself. He was the only one suffering from a sense of impending doom.

"Something wrong?" asked Arthur. "You look flushed."

"It's nothing," Merlin lied. "I'm just warm." He fanned his face with one hand for emphasis while Arthur simply shrugged and muttered something about him being weird before digging into his dinner.

Predictably, Merlin was the first to experience the effects. The alcohol had only served to enhance them, what with him being so weak against it anyway, and he began to fidget. His body temperature was starting to rise, leaving him feeling overheated and light-headed. It made him want to tear his clothes off and writhe around on Arthur's bed naked, or maybe writhe around on the floor since it was probably a lot cooler, but also more uncomfortable.

Arthur picked up on his restlessness, frowning irritably as he drained the last of his wine.

"Have you got ants in your pants? You haven't stopped squirming since you arrived. Your face is getting redder, too. You look *drunk*, Merlin." He shook his head. "No, it's not that. You look..." He trailed off, comprehension dawning over his features as he said flatly, "You're drugged, aren't you?"

Merlin didn't see any point denying it. "Yes."

"You took the aphrodisiac, didn't you?"

"Yes."

"Have you given some of it to me? No, wait. Don't answer that." Arthur scowled. "Morgana got to you, didn't she? You went to her and you confessed everything."

Merlin nodded forlornly. Arthur swore.

"You really are a complete girl, Merlin. I can't believe you let someone like *Morgana* top you."

"I'm quite certain Morgana could top anyone, regardless of their gender," said Merlin before Arthur silenced with a glare.

"I am never teaming up with you again. I know Morgana told you to do this. It's exactly the kind of way she operates. She wants us to suffer, and suffer lots. She's probably outside listening in on us right now."

"That's what she said she would do."

"Great. Just *great*." Arthur raked a hand through his hair irritably.

Merlin went back to shifting uncomfortably, his fingers reaching up to loosen the scarf around his neck. His breathing was getting heavier now. The urge to take off all his clothes was getting stronger. Judging by the way Arthur was looking at him, he was starting to feel the same way.

"You are such an idiot," said Arthur. Merlin couldn't disagree with that. He also couldn't disobey when Arthur finally snapped and growled out, "Get on the table. *Now*."

Merlin nearly tripped over himself in his rush to do what Arthur told him to, shoving the plates aside and taking their place. Arthur pushed him down onto his back, his movements considerably more graceful but no less hasty as he got between Merlin's legs and started yanking his trousers down and off.

Merlin resigned himself to his fate. It was going to be a long and eventful night, but at least it meant he’d be having lots of sex.

~~

True to her word, Morgana did listen in, at least for a while. Gwen had been reluctant at first, but she'd stood with Morgana, red faced and giggling at the sound of Merlin's moans and Arthur's grunts filtering through the heavy wooden door before the two of them eventually retired to Morgana's chambers.

"That went well," she said cheerfully.

"And they really meant for us to drink that stuff?" asked Gwen.

"That's what Merlin told me, anyway. He's almost as big an idiot as Arthur. He really has been having a bad influence on him."

"Merlin seems to get into enough trouble all by himself," Gwen pointed out. "It's just that he gets himself into twice as much of it when he's with Arthur."

"They're fools, the both of them. But I have to admit it was funny," Morgana relented. "And to think, they did it all for nothing. They don't even know we've been having sex far longer than they have."

"I'm sure they'll be having plenty more of it tonight." Gwen wrung her hands, still vaguely anxious. "Do you think he'll be okay? Merlin, I mean. It was Arthur's idea, after all."

"But Merlin went along with it," Morgana reminded her. "Don't worry. I'm sure Gaius will sort him out in the morning. Once he's giving him a good telling off, that is. You're too kind to him. He brought this on himself. Maybe it was a bit mean, but at least he'll learn from it." She smiled encouragingly. "Come, Gwen. Forget about them. I'll be lonely if you don't spare me some of that concern."

Gwen hurried over immediately, settling down beside Morgana. She was just about to speak when Morgana stopped her, placing a finger against her lips and shaking her head.

"Shh. No more words."

There were more important things for them to take care of.

 

End.


End file.
